Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hand Me My Lobster Bib

Dear Mr. Spiny Crustacean:

It's lobster season in the Florida Keys. Unfortunately, the Governor didn't call. No stay of execution for you. Time to fire up the grill and melt some butter.

Yours in good eats,

ScribbleSticks

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Have Thread Will Stitch

Second only to Paul Bunyan when it comes to wielding an axe. First at building and stoking a campfire. I'm also at the top of my class when it comes to stitching up my own knee.

Monday, June 28, 2010

More Bang Back for Little Bucks

Flashing lights. Buzzers and bells. Stand like a statue or become part of the machine. The Pinball Hall of Fame in Las Vegas has 10,000 square feet of pinball wizardry and I'm the Bally Table King. Never tilt at all. Play the silver ball for just 25¢ or 50¢. See if you can beat my best. If you're looking for me, I'll be feeling all the bumpers ... and staying at Bluegreen Club 36.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Strikes and Spares Forever

I've always loved bowling. And I can usually find my way into the pocket no matter what the lane conditions are. But I recently found an alley where my ball reaction is so good I'm never going to throw strikes anywhere else. I foresee a lot of perfect games!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

United States Kicked Out

The US soccer team is a Ghana. Their World Cup definitely doesn't runneth over. On a personal note, I had a winning Saturday — which was exactly my goal!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Solving the Puzzle

Click! The final piece of the puzzle was in the corner. Should have seen that one earlier. I always overlook the obvious ...

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Nuclear Attack

Someone just told me that I was radiant and glowing. Could have been because I got a nice tan this past weekend. Or maybe it was that radioactive isotope injected into my body. Either way, a compliment is a compliment! And it is normal to have six fingers on the same hand, right?!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

And the Stupid Shall Inherit the ...

Ah, I just love rewarding stupidity. The following is this year's Stella Awards for frivolous lawsuits:

SEVENTH PLACE

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas. Awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

SIXTH PLACE

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California. Won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

FIFTH PLACE

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania. Tried to leave a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage when the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. What's worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

FOURTH PLACE

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas. Awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

THIRD PLACE

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania. A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

SECOND PLACE

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware. Sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... plus dental expenses.

FIRST PLACE
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home then set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

I couldn't be happier that we live in such a litigious society. I'm going to annoy a slobbering pit bull later this evening then spill hot coffee on my lap in my neighbor's RV. Know any good lawyers?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Lessons Learned

Hey Dad,

Thanks for always lending a helping hand. Thanks for showing me how to survive in the wilderness. Thanks for showing me how to fix things around the house. Thanks for letting me get away without doing my chores. Thanks for helping me with my paper route instead of sleeping in on the weekends. Thanks for showing me when to be tough and when to let things go. Thanks for being there for me without question at any hour in any state. I learned a lot growing up and hanging out with you. And you know how I know? I saw it in my son's eyes this weekend. He appreciated the things I was showing him — the things I learned from you!

Happy Father's Day!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Just Peachy

I've never uttered the phrase "You're a Peach" but I know someone who has. I've had a shot or two — or five — of Peach Schnapps. I've overindulged on peaches -n- cream. I've shaved peach fuzz off my chin. I've even thrown a peach pit out of a car window. But brushed peach pants? You bet! I picked a pair of these smoothies off the sales rack this afternoon because I could squeeze another $10 off the 35% markdown ...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

In Need of a Cool Bluegreen Vacation

Thanks to the deft hands of an FPL worker, I had my first taste of hurricane season last night. That severed line afforded me the opportunity to sit in total darkness and sweltering heat for 5 hours. It wasn't a total loss though — I was able to ignite the pyromaniac in me by torching the overpriced candles I bought from a school fundraiser. As I stared into the flames I thought about getting away and having a better experience — the kind only a vacation away from Florida can deliver.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's House

Wow, can you imagine having her for a mother-in-law? I'd be deplaning immediately! Bet she has a lot of baggage — and some lost luggage, too.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Sa-Wing Batter

I don’t know how many more times I can go to bat without swinging for the fences. But I do know this: when I make contact with that little round orb I’m gonna knock the cover off of it — exposing the tightly woven wool around its cushioned center. BTW: I like ‘em low and inside!

Monday, June 14, 2010

The Smell of Vacation is in the Air

One of my favorite parts of going on a Bluegreen vacation is traveling to places where the people really get into character. The sites, the sounds, the smells ... actually, I could do without the smells. You people don't need to get THAT into character. (This is the 21st Century — you can bathe more than twice a year!) Last time I checked the supermarket aisles and shelves in these towns of yesteryear were full of soap and deodorant. Please, lather up and douse yourself with something that combats sweat and masks that malodorous authenticity. I don't want your funk to be a lingering part of my vacation memories!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Two Thumbs Down

The previews at the movie we just tried to watch were a thunderous cacophony of loudness. Our feature film was just the opposite. The volume started at a whisper and got lower until you could only enjoy the movie if you read lips. Our silent movie lasted 30 minutes before we tuned out and gave up. And who could blame us? We missed what was probably one of the most important dialogue sequences in the movie. We didn’t even have time to finish the large quantities of food we purchased from the concession stand. A Movie Catastrophe (AMC) for sure.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Sizzling Surfside

Hot nights, Art Deco, Latin beats, tropical palms, shopping, ocean breezes and plenty of people watching — gotta be Miami!

Awesome Arizona

Legendary beauty. Luxurious indulgences. Only in the American Southwest. Ciboal Vista Resort and Spa is located just outside Phoenix in Peoria, Arizona.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Totally Tubular in the Smokies

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go on a wet -n- wild River Romp with them in the Smoky Mountains. I'd be a fool not to take part in a tubetastic adventure like that! I'm going to lace up my swim suit nice and tight so it doesn't fall off — 'cause this is a "G" rated blog ...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Ain't No Good Life

C'mon, lawn seats? I was the 9th caller. I beat out every other person trying to get their hands on Lynyrd Skynyrd tickets. I should at least be sitting close enough to the stage to see Johnny Van Zant's pores. On second thought, I don't want to see that. But I do want to sit in the pavilion — gimme three steps and I can probably sneak in from the grassy knoll. Just don't ask me no questions if I get caught. I deserve to be there anyway!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Mr. Blue

The mighty Garth Brooks has been knocked off his country music haystack. George Strait is the new cowboy hat/boot wearing kingpin. Not sure I know one single song either of them sings. If It Don't Matter to the Sun, it don't matter to me. I'll still take a swig of that 80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper — just in case I start having twangs of sadness!

Monday, June 7, 2010

Breaking Bread

Snuggle: to draw close and hold comfortably.

Toufayan Bakeries Snuggles: to crumble quickly.

Your packaging describes these little cylinders of carbs as the ultimate fun roll. You got that right! The sausage I was eating rolled out of its breaded Bastille and fell directly onto my lap. You ought to rename them Divorce — 'cause everything just falls apart!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Did You Know?

• Wisconsin does not allow butter substitutes in state prisons.
• You cannot fire a cannon during your wedding in Pennsylvania.
• Florida can arrest single women for parachuting on Sundays.
• In Virginia, citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.
• Hunting camels within the state borders of Arizona is a crime.
• Wearing an alligator costume is illegal in Louisiana.
• Putting a skunk on the desk of your boss is not permitted in Michigan.
• Talking behind a person's back is illegal in Nevada.
• It is illegal to use lassos to catch a fish in Tennessee.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Guilty Pleasures

Have to admit, I like:

• The sound of dishes breaking in a restaurant
• Tongue-tied keynote speakers
• Jugglers who drop the ball
• Rain on parades
• Double bogeys at Augusta
• Melting ice sculptures
• A two out, two-strike homer in the 9th inning of a no hitter
• Nervous substitute teachers
• Eroding sandcastles

But don't think badly of me ...

Friday, June 4, 2010

Water, Water Everywhere

I was coming up dry for blog post ideas and then I saw this: Wisconsin is home to 7,446 streams and rivers. Stretching end to end they measure 26,767 miles. That’s enough to circle the globe at the Equator.

Scare Up a Good Time

Grab a candle and guard the flame. The Original Ghosts of Williamsburg Candlelight Tours will regale you with spooky stories as you walk along dark colonial streets. For more great spirits, be sure to check out some of the local taverns. If you're lucky, you just might run into something that goes bump in the night ...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Bet Against the House

In 1980 the 26-story MGM Grand went up in smoke. It was the biggest loss in Vegas history.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Imperfect Ending

Ummm, great call Jim Joyce. Way to ruin Armando Galarraga's perfect game. That's a career changer for you, buddy. You're already very popular on Twitter — and I mean that in the most unflattering way possible. ESPN is predicting that your little umping blunder will go down as one of the ten worst calls in history. NICE!

I hope you're hungry for some negative flack 'cause you're gonna get your fill. Better order a big piece of humble pie to go with that mar you just left on the Tigers and the city of Detroit.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Shockingly Good

I've jumped out of perfectly safe airplanes, tossed myself over the edge of hot air balloon baskets on a bungee cord and rappelled off the side of a water tower. But my biggest thrill was touching a live wire back in April — I can still feel that burst of electricity coursing through me. Hurricane season's fast approaching. Maybe I should find myself a ground and head down to the Keys for a wet and wild vacation. Bet I could still have an electrifying getaway no matter what the winds blow my way!