Hand Me My Lobster Bib

Dear Mr. Spiny Crustacean:

It's lobster season in the Florida Keys. Unfortunately, the Governor didn't call. No stay of execution for you. Time to fire up the grill and melt some butter.

Yours in good eats,

ScribbleSticks

Have Thread Will Stitch

Second only to Paul Bunyan when it comes to wielding an axe. First at building and stoking a campfire. I'm also at the top of my class when it comes to stitching up my own knee.

More Bang Back for Little Bucks

Flashing lights. Buzzers and bells. Stand like a statue or become part of the machine. The Pinball Hall of Fame in Las Vegas has 10,000 square feet of pinball wizardry and I'm the Bally Table King. Never tilt at all. Play the silver ball for just 25¢ or 50¢. See if you can beat my best. If you're looking for me, I'll be feeling all the bumpers ... and staying at Bluegreen Club 36.

Strikes and Spares Forever

I've always loved bowling. And I can usually find my way into the pocket no matter what the lane conditions are. But I recently found an alley where my ball reaction is so good I'm never going to throw strikes anywhere else. I foresee a lot of perfect games!

United States Kicked Out

The US soccer team is a Ghana. Their World Cup definitely doesn't runneth over. On a personal note, I had a winning Saturday — which was exactly my goal!

Solving the Puzzle

Click! The final piece of the puzzle was in the corner. Should have seen that one earlier. I always overlook the obvious ...

Nuclear Attack

Someone just told me that I was radiant and glowing. Could have been because I got a nice tan this past weekend. Or maybe it was that radioactive isotope injected into my body. Either way, a compliment is a compliment! And it is normal to have six fingers on the same hand, right?!

And the Stupid Shall Inherit the ...

Ah, I just love rewarding stupidity. The following is this year's Stella Awards for frivolous lawsuits:

SEVENTH PLACE
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas. Awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

SIXTH PLACE
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California. Won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania. Tried to leave a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage when the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. What's worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas. Awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania. A jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware. Sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000 ... plus dental expenses.

FIRST PLACE
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home then set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

I couldn't be happier that we live in such a litigious society. I'm going to annoy a slobbering pit bull later this evening then spill hot coffee on my lap in my neighbor's RV. Know any good lawyers?

Lessons Learned

Hey Dad,

Thanks for always lending a helping hand. Thanks for showing me how to survive in the wilderness. Thanks for showing me how to fix things around the house. Thanks for letting me get away without doing my chores. Thanks for helping me with my paper route instead of sleeping in on the weekends. Thanks for showing me when to be tough and when to let things go. Thanks for being there for me without question at any hour in any state. I learned a lot growing up and hanging out with you. And you know how I know? I saw it in my son's eyes this weekend. He appreciated the things I was showing him — the things I learned from you!

Happy Father's Day!

Just Peachy

I've never uttered the phrase "You're a Peach" but I know someone who has. I've had a shot or two — or five — of Peach Schnapps. I've overindulged on peaches -n- cream. I've shaved peach fuzz off my chin. I've even thrown a peach pit out of a car window. But brushed peach pants? You bet! I picked a pair of these smoothies off the sales rack this afternoon because I could squeeze another $10 off the 35% markdown ...

In Need of a Cool Bluegreen Vacation

Thanks to the deft hands of an FPL worker, I had my first taste of hurricane season last night. That severed line afforded me the opportunity to sit in total darkness and sweltering heat for 5 hours. It wasn't a total loss though — I was able to ignite the pyromaniac in me by torching the overpriced candles I bought from a school fundraiser. As I stared into the flames I thought about getting away and having a better experience — the kind only a vacation away from Florida can deliver.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's House

Wow, can you imagine having her for a mother-in-law? I'd be deplaning immediately! Bet she has a lot of baggage — and some lost luggage, too.

Sa-Wing Batter

I don’t know how many more times I can go to bat without swinging for the fences. But I do know this: when I make contact with that little round orb I’m gonna knock the cover off of it — exposing the tightly woven wool around its cushioned center. BTW: I like ‘em low and inside!

The Smell of Vacation is in the Air

One of my favorite parts of going on a Bluegreen vacation is traveling to places where the people really get into character. The sites, the sounds, the smells ... actually, I could do without the smells. You people don't need to get THAT into character. (This is the 21st Century — you can bathe more than twice a year!) Last time I checked the supermarket aisles and shelves in these towns of yesteryear were full of soap and deodorant. Please, lather up and douse yourself with something that combats sweat and masks that malodorous authenticity. I don't want your funk to be a lingering part of my vacation memories!

Two Thumbs Down

The previews at the movie we just tried to watch were a thunderous cacophony of loudness. Our feature film was just the opposite. The volume started at a whisper and got lower until you could only enjoy the movie if you read lips. Our silent movie lasted 30 minutes before we tuned out and gave up. And who could blame us? We missed what was probably one of the most important dialogue sequences in the movie. We didn’t even have time to finish the large quantities of food we purchased from the concession stand. A Movie Catastrophe (AMC) for sure.