National Fast Food Day: Celebrating the Unhealthy

I celebrated National Fast Food Day in gluttonous fashion by quadruple sizing every deep fried and greasy morsel I ordered. I'm pretty sure I'll need more than the the finger lickin' good digits of both hands to accurately count all the calories I ingested today. When the pimply-faced kid behind the counter said, "Have it your way," I did — and then some. Maybe I should make a run for the border and keep on running until I burn off ... hey look: there's a drive-thru. I'm lovin' it!

Just Dessert

Today is National Dessert Day and I'm going to celebrate with a big slice of cherry pie smothered in whipped cream. Throw in a few Hershey Kisses and a MoonPie and I'll be headed for a lovely sugar-induced coma. Might as well build up my resistance for Halloween night — I'm sure I'll have lots of devilish treats tempting me then ...

Not Seaworthy

@#&%!! Ferdinand and Isabella just pulled the funding for my cruise. Guess the only thing I'll discover is a pile of work on my desk in the office. Definitely not going to bow down the next time I'm in front of them. But I will have some stern words for the royal couple when I get back to Spain.

Witchy Women

Just finished making out my Halloween party guest list. Made sure to include Witch Hazel and her sisters Hunt and Craft — but only because I have some macabre word games planned and they're good spellers.

Skeleton in My Closet

Everybody has at least one skeleton in their closet — and I'm no exception. Thing is, I'm proud of mine. Probably because I made it out of old milk jugs instead of bad decisions I'm trying to keep hidden. As you can see, I did a pretty good job connecting the thigh bone to the hip bone. No shame in that.

The Not-So-Great Pumpkin

When I lived up in Michigan I could drag Linus out of the pumpkin patch by his blanket and have my choice of great pumpkins to carve the first weekend in October. The air was cool and crisp and conducive to big orange gourds with gaping holes sitting out on the porch for weeks at a time. But now I live in Florida and have only about a two hour window of opportunity before my creation begins to fester and rot into a big moldy blob due to the heat. My pumpkin will never see the darkness of Halloween night if I start carving today. Boo!

Sear and Burning in Las Vegas

You can get hot in Las Vegas and roll the dice all the way to the high rollers suite. Or you can check into the Vdara Hotel and let the "Death Ray" come in through the windows and heat up your vacation. One guest returned home with singed hair and burned skin.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Apparently not ...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah!

I'm so glad my son doesn't find the Fab Four so fabulous anymore. I was never a fan and felt more comfortable squishing said insects rather than listening to them. Now I can go back to doing just that.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Deadly

A message to moms and dads in Battlecreek, Michigan with teenage boys:

Just read an article about a 17-year-old girl who killed a 448 lb. bear with a bow and arrow on a recent hunting trip. If she can keep those paws off of her imagine what she could do to your son. By the way — she gutted it, too.

Zip It

Fly like the wind. Soar like an eagle. Float like a butterfly jacked up on caffeine.

These are just some of the adrenaline surging effects you'll experience when you strap on the zipline harness and jump at the chance to prove your nerves are made of high-flying steel. Think you've got what it takes to dance with the treetops? Prove it during your Bluegreen vacation at Mountain Run at Boyne.

Of course it's all just talk until you try it ...

In an Ivy League of Their own

William and Mary is the second oldest college in the nation. Priding itself on making education available to everyone, in and out of the Commonwealth of Virginia, it is one of only eight “Public Ivy” institutions of higher learning.

No Can Do

If I was living in the temperate grasslands of the prairie with my little prairie family, I'm sure I'd be a fan of canning fruits and vegetables. But I'm far removed from that biome down here in the sweltering swamps of south Florida. So instead of hitching up the team for a ride across the savanna, I'm firing up my mechanized horses for a trip over the asphalt. Going to pick up something I can stick in the microwave — think I'll go for a tasty box of muffin tops with fruit filling and no vegetation!

Howl at the Moon

Full moon tonight. Takes me back to a classic poem from the 1941 horror flick The Wolfman starring Lon Chaney, Jr:

Even a man who is pure at heart
And says his prayers by night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And the moon is full and bright

If you believe in curses and folklore, grab a handful of silver bullets then call animal control ...

Orlando by Way of Helicopter

When it comes to things to do in Orlando, I've got two words for you — and they're not Disney World. Helicopter Rides! International Helio-Tours takes you up and around all the Orlando theme parks for unique aerial views. Our ride was much more magical than anything below us.

Wrong Order

Puh-lease! I'm all for restaurant employee's washing their hands — but I don't need any help from a restroom attendant to wash mine. Put down the soap and step back before things get ugly ...