Comeback Post

I am deeply agitated with my behavior. It has been nearly one year since I posted my last misguided thought. To all those who used read my blog on a daily basis and wish to forgive me for my delinquency, I have this to say: If you can't carry a grudge, it's time to hit the gym.

Po-Boys' Dinner

So I used my first Groupon tonight. Paid $5 for what I thought would be $35 worth of N'awlins tastiness at the French Quarter Bar & Grill in Pompano Beach, Florida. My son ordered the cajun trio. I had the jambalaya. The trio was an unappetizing amalgamation of creole shrimp, jambalaya and crawfish etouffee — at least that's what the menu said was in there. The jambalaya was a heaping plate of overly al dente spaghetti with four pieces of sausage and three minuscule slices of chicken. Luckily, our meal did include cornbread as a lagniappe.

My Groupon deal was Big. But our meals were not at all Easy to enjoy.

Conch Fritters, Hold the Purse

A year ago today I conched out. I let the grease from a frittery basket of Hurricane Hams blow a purse right into my hands. It wasn't on the menu and I certainly didn't order it. But I did eat the whole thing up! A true beauty — designer all the way, the kind of accessory that looked great hanging from my arm. And I got a lot of looks. I just pursed my lips and smiled.

Scaring A Ghost Out of Existence

Back when I was a kid my family and I used to spend a week each summer with our friends who owned a farmhouse in Pennsylvania. There were hayfields to play in, horses to ride, 18th century graveyards to explore, electric fences to grab and ghosts to shock you — if you wanted to believe.

Those who believed (my brother, nieces and nephew of our friends, neighborhood kids, adults) claimed that the upstairs room in the eastern most part of the house was haunted. Things happened that just couldn't be explained. The room was always cold and the smell of lilacs filled the air. A chair rocked back and forth on its own. Of course, there was the ever present "presence" that just happened to put pressure on the bed when "it" decided to sit down next to them.

A ghost? Yep, they could feel it. That's what they told me.

I wasn't even skeptical. In fact, I was a committed nonbeliever.

When I came into the room there was no sweet smell of lilacs wafting through the air, no chairs rocking, no chill in the air. And definitely no ghost. The only thing I felt was the embarrassment coming from the people hiding under the sheets — plus a little bit of anger. They blamed me for not believing and scaring off the ghost.

Guess every disembody is afraid of something.

Happy Birthday Bro

Throughout the years we gave each other a lot of bumps and bruises as birthday gifts. This year I'm giving you a blog post instead. Great present, huh?!?!

Happy Birthday! All the best!

Not-So-Typical Teenager

I'm proud of my son just because he's my son. But he recently did something that made me even more proud to be his dad. Something no other teenager would probably even consider. I'm not sure most adults would either. He orchestrated a trip to Michigan all on his own to help his grandfather who is recovering from brain tumor surgery. He squared things with his school so he could take the day off. He told his mom this was something he really wanted and needed to do. He brought a tear to his grandmother's eye when he told her his plans. He told me this was something he had to do on his own. He searched out flights and made the reservation — for one.

I don't think I have ever felt so proud.

Get Swampy With It

My new favorite show is Swamp People. There's something oddly captivating about watching a bunch of rubes from the Louisiana bayou hunting down and rasslin' alligators before they kill them. The cast of characters includes a team of brothers with beards that would make ZZ Top jealous and still live in their grandparent's house. Quite a feat considering they are likely great grandparents themselves. At 6'4'' and 240 pounds, Terral Evans is certainly unimposing. He works at night, grabbing alligators and tagging them with his bare hands. Poor gators can't get a chomp in edgewise. Then there's Liz Cavalier (of course she is) who likes to think of herself as just one of the boys. She fires the same type of gun as sharpshooter Annie Oakley and can throw a knife with the precision of a hitwoman.

Their cajun drawl is almost unintelligible at times, but that's alright — the History Channel provides subtitles for those us who don't speak swamp. I'm surprised the animal rights activists haven't tried to stomp out this series with their faux alligator boots.

At least the censors haven't scaled it back.

Save the Last Dance for Someone Else

So, the Butler Bulldogs are the first to go dancing. The U Conn Huskies advance too. They move on after beating my alma mater, the University of Kentucky. Both teams can double dribble and foul out for all I care. But if I had to choose, I'd pick U Conn — to lose, of course. Since the game is played in Texas, and things are bigger there, I hope those dogs choke on a ginormous bone. So much for being a good sport.

Fools Rush In

South Florida is full of meshuggeners. Most of them can be seen driving 23 MPH in the fast lane of I-95. The others can be found in the aisles and behind the registers at Walmart. Lacking common sense is just standard operating procedure for those folks. And a definite prerequisite for daily survival. But I keep driving and shopping among them because I'm convinced that this is all just a bad dream and when I wake up I'll be back in la la land.

As P. T. Barnum said, "There's a sucker born every minute."

March Madness

The month is almost over and I haven't posted a single entry on my blog. Time to take a shot from way outside. Swoosh! Nothing but net.

Ring It and Bring It

I've written my resolutions and I'm ready to break them. I just hope the New Year is ready to cooperate. C'mon, 2011 — let's see what ya got!

2010 — Year in Review

At the beginning of the year 2010 gave me 525,600 minutes to use anyway I pleased. Here's what I did:

• Melted a cold front
• Got bit by a snake
• Downloaded songs (Legally, of course)
• Withdrew dollar weeds
• Sang in the shower
• Got chewed out
• Shrugged my shoulders
• Gave a damn
• Protected the innocent
• Burned a bridge
• Made turkey loaf
• Ate turkey loaf
• Let someone off the hook
• Drove over the speed limit
• Bumped my head
• Won an award (then more)
• Pushed my luck
• Trained a tree to grow in a different direction
• Spilled coffee
• Changed my password
• Tweeted
• Blogged
• Stumbled upon
• Tightened my belt
• Played the drums
• Annoyed a pitbull
• Dropped a call
• Caught a ball
• Dove in head first
• Struck out
• Talked to a stranger
• Gave in
• Refused to budge
• Sewed my knee
• Pulled a fast one
• Rolled the dice
• Maintained eye contact

National Fast Food Day: Celebrating the Unhealthy

I celebrated National Fast Food Day in gluttonous fashion by quadruple sizing every deep fried and greasy morsel I ordered. I'm pretty sure I'll need more than the the finger lickin' good digits of both hands to accurately count all the calories I ingested today. When the pimply-faced kid behind the counter said, "Have it your way," I did — and then some. Maybe I should make a run for the border and keep on running until I burn off ... hey look: there's a drive-thru. I'm lovin' it!

Just Dessert

Today is National Dessert Day and I'm going to celebrate with a big slice of cherry pie smothered in whipped cream. Throw in a few Hershey Kisses and a MoonPie and I'll be headed for a lovely sugar-induced coma. Might as well build up my resistance for Halloween night — I'm sure I'll have lots of devilish treats tempting me then ...

Not Seaworthy

@#&%!! Ferdinand and Isabella just pulled the funding for my cruise. Guess the only thing I'll discover is a pile of work on my desk in the office. Definitely not going to bow down the next time I'm in front of them. But I will have some stern words for the royal couple when I get back to Spain.