Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No Can Do

If I was living in the temperate grasslands of the prairie with my little prairie family, I'm sure I'd be a fan of canning fruits and vegetables. But I'm far removed from that biome down here in the sweltering swamps of south Florida. So instead of hitching up the team for a ride across the savanna, I'm firing up my mechanized horses for a trip over the asphalt. Going to pick up something I can stick in the microwave — think I'll go for a tasty box of muffin tops with fruit filling and no vegetation!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Howl at the Moon

Full moon tonight. Takes me back to a classic poem from the 1941 horror flick The Wolfman starring Lon Chaney, Jr:

Even a man who is pure at heart
And says his prayers by night
Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And the moon is full and bright

If you believe in curses and folklore, grab a handful of silver bullets then call animal control ...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Orlando by Way of Helicopter

When it comes to things to do in Orlando, I've got two words for you — and they're not Disney World. Helicopter Rides! International Helio-Tours takes you up and around all the Orlando theme parks for unique aerial views. Our ride was much more magical than anything below us.



Friday, July 23, 2010

Wrong Order

Puh-lease! I'm all for restaurant employee's washing their hands — but I don't need any help from a restroom attendant to wash mine. Put down the soap and step back before things get ugly ...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tacky Treats

Hardtack was a simple biscuit consumed by just about every soldier in the Civil War. Made from flour, salt, vegetable fat and water, it fit easily in haversacks and could be taken on long marches because it wouldn’t spoil. Unfortunately, the biscuits got rock hard — and had to be soaked or fried in grease to eat. Grease? Carbs? Seems like good fortune to me.

Monday, July 19, 2010

They're Not Playing My Tune

I've heard that tune before and it's definitely not music to my ears.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

A Sight that Makes Eyes Sore

A note to European men on the beach: gain a little self-respect and a find a way to let your shame gene shine through a bit more. That suit you're wearing isn't flattering to your Europeaness. If I'm going to get seasick, I want to be on a boat.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Hey Dad,

You're in the surgeon's very capable hands. More importantly, you have the strength of someone half your age, an abundance of willpower and a dogged determination to not let an inconvenient little thing like an operation slow you down from doing a full day's work and then some. But for now, your job is to rest and recover.

Sending you positive thoughts and lots of love.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Save the Date

To say today is a day like any other would be a huge understatement. It's because of something that happened on July 15 that I was able to change my outlook and push the move forward button. I have no intention of rewinding. Happy days are here again — for sure and for certain!

Monday, July 12, 2010

Good Thinking

I was feeling a little light-headed so I quit holding my breath. I also stopped carrying a grudge 'cause my back was hurting. But I'm not gonna take back that thing I said!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Heat Was On

Heat exhaustion. Sunstroke. Sunny side up. Whatever you call it, I had it. (My reward for 10 hours in the sun.) But I didn't let my lethargic stooper prevent me from getting in the car and heading to McDonald's for some large fries covered with five packets of salt. I chased that deep-fried goodness with a bag of popcorn, coconut and jalapeno flavored Jelly Belly beans. I'm sure that's what the doctor would have recommended. Made me feel better.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Customer Disservice

The retail industry in South Florida prides itself on rude and inattentive behavior. But I'm not complaining — because I always get more than I bargained for. And that's the secret of good shopping!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Color My Decision

Tonight's sky is alive with color. I wish I was on a plane flying through the pink cotton candy clouds sewn together with tangerine streaks. I could look down to the west and watch the amber sun sink below the horizon; then gaze at the amethyst hues emanating from the enveloping nighttime abyss. But since I'm not on a plane, I'm going to watch Andy Griffith reruns. Those are in black and white.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Acting Squirrely

I didn't play the lotto tonight because I just came up with a million dollar idea: squirrel benches. I'm going to use my master carpentry skills to build these ravenous rodents a place to sit while they gnaw on corn cobs skewered to the front of the bench. Nail to your favorite tree (maple, birch, elm and oak all work well) and you're ready for dinner guests. As they say, if you build it, they will come. I must be nuts!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Give in to Temptation

Self restraint seems like a good idea on paper. But not when it comes to decadent desserts with layers of sweetness that are too sinful to pass up. A good presentation ain't doing me any favors either ...

Monday, July 5, 2010

Dog Days of Summer

Joey "Jaws" Chestnut did it again. He sunk his teeth into 54 hot dogs in just 10 minutes to win his 4th Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island. Though it was a light meal compared to his record setting 68 franks last year, he still consumed large quantities of calories — 16,038 to be exact. But who's counting? Better loosen that Mustard Belt he just won.

Former champion Takeru Kobayashi was not in the competition but he still did some hot dogging. The NYPD served his up with handcuffs and a trip to jail to get grilled. Bet that's gonna leave a bad taste in his mouth!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Safely Explosive

Every digit and appendage accounted for — until next 4th of July ...

All Sizzle, No Fizzle

It's kind of difficult to let cacophony ring in the driving rain. Looks like my fireworks show is moving indoors. Time to light the fuse — boom, bang, baby! I'm expecting the grand finale to be spectacular. And I hold that truth to be self evident!

Well, I Declare

According to scientists using hyper-spectral imaging techniques, Thomas Jefferson rubbed out the word subjects and changed it to citizens while he was writing the Declaration of Independence. Seems like a calculated edit to slap King George III in the face. I can certainly appreciate having the unalienable right to pursue that kind of happiness.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Sammy Hagar a Sure Bet in Vegas

Get on your bad motor scooter and ride. Sammy Hagar is playing the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas on July 31 and there's only one way to rock — LOUD! Like the Red Rocker, I can't drive 55. But I can stay at Bluegreen Club 36 and enjoy some Cabo Wabo Tequila.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Rotten Apple

First the iPhone 4 prototype is stolen and now this. What is it with Apple and bars?

Have a Blast this Weekend

Don't know how many chances I'll get to bang out a sentence using onomatopoeia — guess the 4th of July weekend is as good as any to let my words go boom!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Maggots on a Plane

"Ladies and gentlemen this is the captain speaking. Due to rising costs we will now have to charge you for the maggots spewing from the overhead compartment. Thank you for flying the unfriendly and decaying skies."


Lady Dude Dude

I knew it! This is the real Lady Gaga. She never fooled me for a minute. To all my friends who said she wasn't ... time to man up!